The sexy list.

 

A list of some things i want to do and want to make cool.

 

1) Save water.

2) Respect natural cycles.

3)

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Nice guys finish last. Thats an irrefutable fact in the Game of Life. But, notice...that they do finish. Thats probably irrefutable too.

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Detachment...

It's supposed to be that ultimate thing. . Life has been teaching me these days...that a lot of detachment comes in small packages. Every day one is faced with sorrow and pain...and all of them arise out of desires...and every moment...one must try to detach oneself from some or the other desire...

Should I stop desiring ? I don't want to yet...it drives me. It helps me dream. But then...the pain, the sorrow, the fear that desires and dreams may be incompatible....

I think I will not give up dreaming and desiring. But I will detach myself. Not from the objects of my desire....but from my desire itself....and from myself.

I want to keep desiring for other people...and that is my own desire...I will also dream...for myself, for others...but I will detach myself from my desire to see my dreams fulfilled....

I pray to Nature to help me.

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The Nature of Insecurity...

I'm deeply in love. And with that come the side-effects. Insecurity is the word...it seems. It's new to me though. I haven't lived with this word to really understand its meaning and complexities. But, this seems to be the label people put on this concept and the associated feelings. So insecurity it is. But...I digress.

I seem to have commited the inexcusable and inescapable sin of believing that I own my partner. It's a concept that seems to be a default setting for the human psyche. Despite knowing, understanding and rationally accepting the fact that she is a person on her own....i still don't seem to 'get' it. It doesn't settle in it seems.

So when she talks of this other guy...and of working with him....and feeling 'uncomfortable' with him.....this 'insecurity' burns a small flame in me. I naturally 'realise' that she 'likes' him...whatever that means. Despite her telling me all this in between frequent demonstrations of her love for me....I still feel that flame burning.

It's so disturbing that I start feeling guilty because I'm getting this feeling. And I start disliking myself. It takes some time to figure out whats happening. It's this deep fear that arises from 'competition' maybe...which gives rise to this feeling. I sub-consciously (or innately) feel that I'm going to lose the woman I love to this other guy. And feel very bothered....obviously.

 

Thinking about this is a thankless but delightful struggle. It brings one closest to a true and honestly beautiful understanding of love. It's yet not close enough to figure out...but this momentary glimpse through this foggy veil of emotion is like infinite peace and joy trapped in a single moment of experience. A moment that is trapped in its transience...and is yet infinite in the limitless lesson it teaches.

It seems that true love is not won in competition. It's not about beauty, or brilliance, or skill, or ability, or how impressive u are. Rather, I think is an act of will. A continuous act of will by two people. My woman will love me as long as she wills to...

All those moments in life...where we meet people...like them, care for them, feel attracted, enjoy their company, are impressed, feel flattered, court them......all these moments are exactly that...moments. They make life. They are dynamic expressions of our humanity. And thru all these....love for that one person stays only because we will it to. A will that appears in the guise of guilt, dislike for others, wretchedness, self-isolation...and...frequently, as the proverbial 'badi naak'. :) All these seem such negative feelings....so negative that u cannot accept that they are keeping your love alive. But I think they are. The mind works in strange ways.

Today, I know that she loves me...that she has not stopped willing....despite my not being there...to share her moments...to be a part of them....

I know she doesn't judge me by my absence. And...already....there is peace.

 

Yes...I will feel jealous....but it is not a strain any longer. Because she wills.

This insecurity is beautiful. It reminds me of what love is...and when she says with that beautifully innocent sadness....that "Ur hooked. I've stopped flirting. I don't feel like flirting. ."....the insecurity fills me with love.

I'm convinced....humans are fools....what a silly word for this feeling....insecurity ????? Pathetic. :)

I just pray that she never stops willing...I don't think I ever will.

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Dissolving walls....

 

It's an amazing feeling. You think, talk, dream, imagine, construct and believe in two concepts.....and then the dualism disappears. The two emerge to be one and the same. And this is not really an emergence in the system....but an evolution in the observer.

 

It happened when studying enzymes.....the dichotomy between binding and catalysis....between proteins and enzymes.....it disappeared with Jencks. And that feeling was of immense enlightenment.

The same enlightenment happened with This. There were moments...lots of them....which were explained away.....and then....when this happened.......the dichotomy between the concept that 'suited' earlier....and the concept that really existed disappeared. Now, when I read what I wrote earlier....with the older concept in mind....i realise that i was still saying the same thing then....just used a different word. Now the two concepts have merged. The wall had dissolved.

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Evolution....for better and worse.

 

As biologists, we always think of Evolution as a ascent towards the best....a product of the ever correcting process of natural selection. I wonder if evolution is always for the better....and if natural selection....outside the premise of biology, always pushes systems for the better.

 

What evolves ? Everything ? I won't say that confidently. But a lot of systems do evolve. Life, ideas, eco-systems, planets, relationships, disasters, problems, solutions, mental states.....all of them evolve. It's a tricky question to consider....do problems, and disasters, and some friendships always evolve for the better ? I'm not interested in aswering it here.

 

I have been a part of a relationship that has evolved....right now, i cannot say   for the better. I don't think so. Like life, this relationship's evolution had both slow progressive periods....and sudden transformations. One never remembers the slow periods....or their progressions. One does recall, though, the sudden transformations....and often makes the mistake of attributing the evolution to just these transformations. Thats exactly what I don't wan't to do. Because right now this relationship has evolved to a state of disenchantment, disgust, distance, and disappointment. From one side...even hatred maybe.

 

No one thing caused this change. Yes, there were events and incidents that acted as the jumps and transformations. But these jumps were consolidated by those long periods of slow evolution...periods of no communication, of taking things for granted, of inertia, of greed, of narrow mindedness. Periods when, without realising it, we were inching towards a disaster. And today it happened.
I don't know what to do about it. There is no resonance...hardly a channel open between the two phases. We are acting as two independent systems. And yet, in our minds, we have connected these two independent systems and wish that they act in 'co-ordinated' ways....where co-ordinated is defined as expecting the other to do things that one wants. I realise that this is stupid and won't work.

 

I don't know if both sides have the motivation and the ability and the energy to start anew. I have the motivation....I don't know about my friend. I am not sure i have the ability....i feel don't confident about myself. Energy is a function of the above two.

 

I will stop here. And allow myself to drift to a calmer state of mind. Where what I have written is able to act as a driving force. To do what ? I don't know.

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Cause, Effect, and Delusion.

 

When you get really close to somebody....a strange delusion sets in. You start believing that you are the cause of everything that is happening to that person. Everytime he is sad...u think u did it....everytime she is happy...u think u caused it. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

You are merely a distant influence in the sphere of the person. However close you are, you will never be able to superseed his or her own brain. Because though there might be no 'self'....there are still boundaries that are rarely breached.

What does all this imply ? That you aren't as close ? No, not at all. The very fact that you are facing these delusions...tells me that you are very very close. What is the better thing to do ? I don't know.

Today, exactly this happened to me. I got stricken with what was happening to my friend. She appeared to be sad, disappointed, like somebody pricked her heart. And I was convinced that it was I. I don't know what happened. I couldn't, she didn't tell me. I felt very insecure not knowing what was happening...because I kept wondering what I must do to make her feel better. And this insecurity kept telling me that it was something I did.

 

I might have. I might not have. But, I still feel that I said a few things that breached sensitivity and compassion. Not that I shouldn't have said them. But, I should have said them more clearly.....a lot more kindly....reflecting what I was feeling....touched and cared for.

But, I remember what kothi was told my that sage....try your best....but remember ur merely a speck in the universe. Don't expect that your actions will change everything. Because the world is a lot more messy, a lot more complex than you can imagine. And however efficiently your brain creates your "I"....it will not be the truth. For the machine is very robust.

 

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In Search of a Mentor---a start full of burden.

 

 

Thats what Xeno asked. I wan't to know the answer. For all these years I have stood separate....resisting care, concern, advice, leadership, authority, even social seniority.....like an immovable object. And I think I have reached a glass ceiling. A fullness that cannot grow anymore...not for lack of visible space....but for an ignorance of the path to take. I need a hand. I WANT a hand.

I don't think I can hope to know, at any level of consciousness, where I'm going or what I wan't to do. At least I don't feel like that now. I feel so 'stochastic' at heart that I don't think I will even notice the 'omens'. It's funny. I feel free enough to go where I want to. But not aware enough to know where.

 

I'm desperately looking for a light house. That gives me not just a light to follow, but a light to see. A lighthouse high enough and bright enough for me to be able to see from this far away in isolation. One that is skilful enough to engineer me into kinesis. One that resembles Xeno's irresistible force.

 

And never will I need one more than I do in the next few years. When I stare at a phase transition. The last time I was at a phase transition...it was a turbulent crossing....which caused too much damage to others. I don't have the courage to do it that way.

 

I start off this search with a past full of burden. A burden I have collected over years, a burden of love, attachment, ownership and responsibility. I don't feel free of this burden now. I don't want to feel free of it. I wan't to carry it along. Get stronger (not tougher) on the way....

 

Maybe, like motivations, I might never find a single magnificent lighthouse.....so I should be ready to find a basket of little ones. And I hope I chance upon them on time.

 

To hell with independence.

 

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I had written the passage below a few days ago. Now, 15 minutes ago....She called....she just got an offer from OU. And I feel happier and happier. It was a brilliant moment....I'm sitting...wearing the T-shirt she had got me....and i check my mail.....and THERE....i'm jumping up and down. I pace around the house for a minute or two....before I pick up the phone to call up to tell somebody....i put it to my ear....and THERE....darn sychronicity....i hear her voice. AMAZING !!!!!!!!!!!

The passage below makes even better reading now....at least for me.

 

The Special Girl.

 

She had just left for the airport. I was just back from her place. And immediately I was scared. I knew the feeling. Deja vu. It's almost an annual feature now. Every time we get close, we get separated for some time...and then it takes a year usually....to get back together, so close.  It's slow Fear conditioning. I was almost expecting it while we wrestled with her data. And then boom. She was gone. And I felt huge void. Painful. Now, I'm scared to hug her. I remember, out of the last 5 times we embraced each other....3 times we ended up in different cities. This time, it's different continents.

It's easy to become possessive. But then...as you get close...you find those invisible line segments that exist everywhere in social matrices. And you feel wronged. But, you respect them. I'm cautious. I know that this special friendship must not be challenged with uncompromisable concepts. But what do you do about this hard head. That will keep feeling lonely, keep feeling lost, keep feeling attached. What can you do to comfort it in these absences ?

Stuti is difficult to be close to. Because while one part of you eggs her on...the other part wants to compete. And she hates that. Because then...she says...she has no friends. Silly girl. The latter part of me usually loses in my case. I cannot compete with her. She is special. If at any time I feel proud of anything I have achieved...I know that she will be a step ahead. And I don't want to feel sad about that. I cannot feel sad about that...her achievement...it's a moment of celebration. I feel overjoyed. How can I be sad or jealous?

But today I observed something. And it was possible only because I had been through The Alchemist. When you are ready to do something...the entire universe schemes to get it done. I think thats what happens with her. She is prepared to do things. She decides that she wants to do things. And then the universe gets to work...scheming things....helping her along....showing her the way. I noticed this very strange thing the other day. I was going to Sanju's shop. At a crossing...i had to decide which side to go. I knew the way very well. I knew where I wanted to go. And because of that I noticed that a little scap of paper lying on the road was showing me the way....folded into the exact shape of an arrow...pointing in the right direction...if ever i needed help.

Her mail...from D's lab. suddenly made the vacum disappear. It filled with an awareness of her. If ever I had to define happiness...I would refer to the memory of that moment. Suddenly, no part of me felt lonely, or jealous, or possessive. I felt very light, and relaxed, and just happy.

I realised that She is a special somebody. Somebody important for this complex universe. For whom people will go out of their way...all the time. Like I must. She will always find that somebody...who will help her go to the next step. Because SHE WANTS to go. Because she is READY to go. There is something strangely attractive about her. That wants you to do things for her. Something that draws you to take care of her. That tells you that she must be given a shoulder to rest on till she is ready to move on towards her great destination again.

I know she might not like this. She'll think I need 'help'. Professional. I know that even I will later say that i may have been hyperboleic. I know that this sounds too far fatched. But, thats what I observed today. And, so, it's my duty to report it.

I miss her. I can't help that. Because...i don't know. I guess because i have great affection and love for her...and i feel safe when i am with her. Because we have done so much together...and for each other. And when she gets back...I know it might take some time before we can hug each other again...and then it might well be time to move on again. But from now on....i will always know that there is somebody, somewhere...who is taking care of my dear dost. Somebody who like me is feeling safe and happy....and somebody who just might feel lonely....and somebody who is cheering her success.

God Bless her.
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Life essentially consists of masking identities, in a way. The universe tends to increase it's disorder ...it's inevitable. Organization results in life...and this is one by accelerating the increase in disorder in the 'surrounding'...this provides the negative entropy for life to organize. But such a situation is not permanant....an organization created does not stay organized. It must not just be maintained ...but must be replaced at periodic intervals...and sometimes, even earlier. This is why reproduction is so essential to life.

 

Society is similar...any system created within society is liable to decay...and hence must be maintained....but the process of maintenance also has to be maintained...ad infinitum....And so it must be recreated...or reproduced....or a new system created. It is difficult to reproduce because we don't always keep track of the information and the process that built the system...in other words there is no easy DNA which has all the information which just needs to be copied.

 

This means we need to recreate and renew all the time....which may be the secret to a great society. The conclusions seems to be, that in a system, you need to revamp everything, even when it's working fine...in fact, especially when it's working fine....or it will decay.

 

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I saw Jerry McGuire for the second time today. It's a beautiful movie with a very relavant statement. It brought out into the evident, the pull between the heart and the head in life. Especially in personal relations...and work. I now understand what she meant when she said that I 'try to be fair'. I understand why she didn't like it. I am being loyal. Just being loyal. And I can't claim to be loving my friends if I'm just loyal. But is it loyalty. Or rather a desire to share. I outlined when i think I'll fall in love. The day I can share my thoughts and dreams with somebody.

 

I don't think I have found it. But that doesn't mean i don't love anybody. It's friendship...a lower level of love. I'm not in 'love' with anybody...but I am friends with so many people. I try to be loyal, yes.

 

I try to be just too...how wrong is that ?

 

It is wrong...a friend wants love(she said a girl). Not loyalty. Friendship as a duty is an insult. I might say that I can't 'stick' on...and that I must grow...and I am a library book....this is all true. But, I don't want to get unstuck. But as far as 'love' goes...it can't be on my list right now...can it ? So I think I am just trying a disguised form of it. Making friends. That one person is a long long way away. I suppose I'll need to decide that I am ready one day. And then...I

have to find her.

 

What is it that is important...?
Sharing as i said...
'Love' shouldn't be so much hard work.
And it's best when marriage...is love...not work.
And that sharing is an intrinsic inspiration to both.

 

Sheeessh....i'm not writing it well....I'll do one thing....I'll quote a few beautiful things...here and there...

 

"Today that little project of ours...the company...had a Big day today...a REALLY BIG day....But...it was not complete. It wasn't almost near to being anywhere close to being in the proximity of closeness(something like that)....because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't hear your voice...You..complete me."

 

Two people must complete each other...that is why man and woman marry...because marriage is a conjunction of two people...and a man and woman are most likely to complete each other...because of the difference in their brains...maybe thats why we evolved differently.

 

"You know why u don't have 10 million. You do it with your head...not with your heart...family..it's heart...but when u go on to the field...its who is getting paid and ur not...who's to blame...wheres the money....That doesn't inspire people."

 

I got this right. Work with a passion. With love. Not for anything. Because that DOES NOT inspire people. What is important to remember....is that....u have to work with love...but never love with work.

 

SHARE...thats all you need.

NEVER...deny your love...realise it.

"IF...THIS is empty...then THIS doesn't matter"

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Sooner or later I'll have to decide....whether I want to make a contribution to science....or to education. Because, right now I don't know if I can do both. The world of science, with it's set manouvers seems daunting. I have to come back....if i get to go at all....that cannot be compromised. But, I don't want to be caught up in the web of post docs and tenure. Right now there is a desire for both....tussling with each other. Something must emerge from the tussle. Either way...it seems it will be a painful decision. And, i will have to handle it.