WHY do I fear the future ? WHY don't I naturally keep faith ? WHY do i doubt myself ? And end up defeating myself ? Is it because I want to keep being lazy ? DAMN IT.

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It was disheartening to hear about her scrupulous withdrawal. I was hurt, obviously. But, don't want to argue. It's no use. It's difficult to live a misunderstood life. Very difficult. But, I guess its part of my nature to be misunderstood. When I hear something like this, and wonder why, the answer is not so difficult to give. The way I present myself, the way I react, the way I do things...it's difficult to like.

I decided, I don't know when, that I'm going to stop worrying about these issues, especially when they involve people who don't matter to me. She is such a person. I don't have any bond with her, and I frankly don't care what she thinks about the way i go about things.

I know my motives are good and honest. I know my heart is in the right place. I know why I'm doing all this. I'm not going to let somebody else's pride of I bother me. It's enough to handle one's own. I'm human and I can't do justice to everything and everybody. I never am going to stand in the way of anybody else doing something good. I never have, I never will. But, if I'm accepted to implement somebody else's motives too, then please forgive me...I'm human.

I know he hates me right now. It has stopped to matter. He's still a great friend
in my mind. But, I will not go out of my way to take his opinion. Because I don't trust it any more. Mine is a salt-water lake...and he's a fresh water fish. I cannot distill the world for his different ambitions. I have decided to live a life for the greater good. And his approach to me isn't helping. It's for him to decide what he wants to live for. I am not standing in his way. I will support him.

Often I have heard that if I presented myself better, I'd be heard a lot more. I wonder if it's true. And I'll stop with that. I have much to contribute to the world in the way I am. If changing my 'presentation' is going to give me tenure...then to hell with tenure. More time of being somebody else who does little is worse than less time of being yourself and doing more.

I don't want to be loved. I don't want to be followed. I just want to make a difference. It's ok, if at the end of the day, I'm a cursed loser. If I have changed lives, if I have influenced change...for the better...then I have lived a worthy life...a life thats been fun.

A lot of work is not done because people are worried about how other people
are going to feel and say. I'm going to be audacious and do things the way I think are right. If the powers that be feel that Im wasting their time, if Im doing the wrong thing, they should just throw me out. I'm not doing this for others. I'm doing it because thats how I do things best. If it bothers other people...it's for them to take action to throw me out.

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The moment I cross the Ground floor of my block...especially in the  evening...I die a little. And it happens everyday.

I don't know when I grew up. And how those kids down there are still small. Well....of course....they were born later. But...how come i never knew it.....how come i never noticed them grow up to be that small......how come I don't know when their birthday is.

I remember when I was a kid....I was the boss. Sort of. Well, not  really...but I was one of the top people. And we had this big gang....that I saw expand and grow. Till I grew up...almost one day. I don't regret it. To be frank...at least i feel so now....I think i have enjoyed more...these days of being grown up. It's something else that breaks m heart. It's not the yearning for those 'free old days of kidhood'. It's something else.

I couldn't be a part of the community. I ran away. I couldn't be there to see when...(i don't even know his name)....he...learnt how to cycle. I couldn't be there to take the request from his Mom to see where he was.I couldn't be a part of the kid's lives. I couldn't be "bhaiya". Because...I was busy being "dost".

My preoccupation with my peer group has been ancient, I suppose. There was already a community of two levels when I was a kid. And...the kids eventually graduated to the second level to be with the big guys. I lead the breakaway then....by never graduating....but by building another school....which i later ran away from. It happened in school too. I never could chum up with the 'bacchas'...i was too comfortable in the cosy surrounding of my own batch. And that has lead me to what I am today....a social wreck.

This year has been good....sort of....i did manage to pull off...to some extent....
my plans for the 'bacchas'....to break the barrier between us. And the joy that this little success has given...has opened the channels for the pains of the past to flood in. The kids of today are strangers to me. Or...should I say...I'm the alien. And...as I look at little...(i don't even know her name)....the little girl on the ground floor....while she cowers in the corner of the lift....and i smile at her...and wave my hands....i realise....i'm much too old now....to be "bhaiya".....

and......i realise..........
that i've missed my chance....
missed the bus.....
already bunked my first lesson..........of.......... fatherhood.

Oh God....

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The TIFR results came out today. And my mind went back to that meeting that we had earlier this year. I had shared in that meeting, the fact that TIFR was my principal career goal. That way, I have failed. NCBS was just lucky. I couldn't do it where it mattered.

I could start thinking about why I didn't get shortlisted. But, I don't like doing that. I think I didn't get through simply because, in their eyes, other people were more suited to the program.

Do I feel disappointed ? Yes. Do I feel delighted ? Yes. Do I sound crazy ? Yes.

Let me explain. I think not just for myself. Note that this is not an altruistic notion. It is merely a leadership notion. I like thinking for other people. And other people often hate me for this. Over the years I have learnt to keep my thoughts to myself....to let my thoughts for other people stay within me....and to let people do things as they wish.

Yet, when it comes to joint ventures...I often think for the whole lot. It's a dangerous trait. Especially when I start deciding for the whole lot....without asking for their views. This happens...especially because I dream for the whole lot. And when the whole lot succeeds....even if I have not....I am still delighted.

Thats what I feel like now. It's a tricky tussle. I am disappointed...obviously. This was the only M.Sc. in Neuroscience in the country. I missed it. And now I stand stuck. And will need to rethink my plans completely.

And I'm delighted. Because 4 people have been called, from my college. Three years ago nobody even knew about this course. And even if somebody did....that didn't result in posterity knowing it. I remember reading about the program 3 years ago....when I was in FY. And deciding that this was what I would concentrate on. The thing that attracted me most was the line that said that....good marks don't necessarily make good research students.

I am happy I shared my awareness of this program with everybody. Seniors, Classmates, Juniors, everybody. Three years ago I don't think anybody applied to this program. Last year some did. 3 were called. This year many did. 4 were called. Do i see a pattern ?

I was feeling both delight and disappointment when I saw the list in the morning. But the great thing is that while you can only sit and brood about your disappointments....you can do something about your delight. And thats what I did....I called up Dips, and called up Loya...at this early hour...and told them to check their mail. I had already sent in the news to the group. With delight, you can play...with disappointment....u cannot always. And...in this way....the disappointment folded it's tent...like Arabs...and silently stole away. It's little niggle remains....nestled in the selfish arms of the I. Let it stay...it deserves to. After all, it too is a part of me.

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I guess I did another Jerry trick. Broke an embrace to help somebody cross the street. Disappointed sensitive friendships to uphold "justice" and "chivalry". Crossed the barrier of balance, into the sea of bitterness. And all, without realising what i was doing....

"Nobody is happy.--- U cannot change that." Thankfully I cannot. Where is path through such a messy rule ? Where is the sunshine ? I don't know....I'll never know. THIS IS PAINFUL. I HAVE TO CRY. I HAVE TO SHOUT AT MYSELF. And yet....i don't know what else i could have done. Because i don't know why it is either or.

OUCH. OUCH. OUCH.
11th April.....the sad end to a happy episode.